The Greatest Gift We Can Give To Our Children

This past year -- and the soon to end Year of The Golden Dragon on the Chinese calendar (considered a very lucky year for bearing children) - seemed to bring a baby boom to many places, including my island home of Providenciales. On days when I am able to enjoy the luxury of morning coffee at a favorite outdoor café, I often see mothers carrying infants as young children run around the plaza, full of energy and excitement. Though not a mother myself, (I am a proud aunt of two bright and beautiful nieces), I cannot help but smile back at the beaming faces and feel the tug these young girls and boys have on my heartstrings. I always pray that these young ones will hold onto their exuberance: the passion and curiosity with which they approach life.
 
Children are so full of joy, hopes, and dreams. They are spontaneous and creative. Sometimes they say or do things that make adults burst into laughter (or occasionally lead a parent to feel embarrassed), because we recognize that the child has not yet learned a particular rule of social etiquette. There is something so wonderful about how young children are directly connected to their essence, before the lessons and the inevitable pain of life experience lead them to hide that essence under layers of protection.
 
As a therapist, often my job is to get people back in touch with that essence. They have buried it so well, so carefully, that they cannot even find it themselves. Getting in touch with that essence, and allowing it to show again, is inextricably linked to self-love. When we love ourselves, we love our core, our essence, and we bring forth more of that vital part of ourselves into our daily lives. It probably would not be an exaggeration to say that over 95% of the problems that clients bring to therapy - be it relationship problems, depression and anxiety, substance abuse, career indecision, or general dissatisfaction with one's personal or professional life - have some link (often a primary one) to a lack of self-love. This lack of self-love generally begins in childhood. When teenagers or adults walk into my office for counseling, I often think, "If only we could catch them sooner…"
 
To develop self-love, children need to know that they are loved, unconditionally. Many children fear they will be "kicked out" or abandoned if they do not behave in ways that please their parents. Children need to know that their parents love THEM, even when the parents do not approve of the child's BEHAVIOR. Children need consistency from their parents: they need to feel that they are on a solid foundation, and that their place in the family is secure. Children need both to see the actions and hear the words to reassure them of their parents' love. A big birthday gift from a parent who never says, "I love you" can feel like a bribe to a child. Similarly, when a parent forgets to pick up the child from school or doesn't plan anything special for the child's birthday, the child may hear an "I love you" from that parent as empty words. Many parents assume that their children "just know" that they love them, when this is not always the case.
 
Some people believe that the most important thing to give a child is the "best education money can buy." I disagree (although an excellent education is very high on my list). I DO believe we should "teach them well and let them lead the way." We should give our children the best education possible (both in and out of the classroom). We must share with them our sense of values and ethics, and encourage their curiosity to learn and explore on their own. Once we have given our children a solid foundation and the basic knowledge and tools they need, we need to let go and trust them to create their own lives, make their own mistakes, have their own successes, and follow their own destiny. We need to let them blossom on their own. I think for many parents the greatest challenge is to learn how to give guidance and at the same time allow their children to be themselves, to have their own lives and follow their own dreams.
 
More important than giving a child a proper formal education is to foster the child's self-esteem. A child with a great education who lacks a sense of self-confidence and self-trust will rarely become a happy adult, whether or not he or she is "successful" in the material sense. However, a child who has grown to love himself or herself, will be motivated to learn or do whatever it takes to be successful and happy in life. As we must learn to love ourselves, so, too, must we encourage our children to love themselves, to trust their instincts and intuition, to know and express "the beauty they possess inside." If we give our children love that is unconditional, then they feel worthy of love; this is a key ingredient for them to develop a sense of self-love. Therefore, I believe that unconditional love is the greatest gift we can give to our children.