How Much Is Too Much? Or Not Enough?

I've received countless letters from men AND women detailing the pain of either constant rejection from their partner or disappointment in the frequency of lovemaking. While men have the reputation for being constant horn dogs, I have to represent the woman's viewpoint as well. Many women also report approaching their partner and being shunned. I'm not
talking about the occasional "Sorry, I have a headache," or "I'm too tired." I'm talking about continual rejection that can lead to sexual incompatibility. What do you do if one person wants sex twice a week, but the other is satisfied with twice a month? How much is "too much"? This varies from
couple to couple, but what if there's division within the
union? There needs to be communication and compromise. Sex isn't everything, but we all know it matters.

After a couple has been together for some time, it's likely that the sexual frequency will decrease. But what if you both just sincerely have different needs? It's not uncommon for people to have difference sexual appetites, and these needs will more than likely change over time. An important note to remember is that things will only go downhill if you criticize or insult the other person for their preferences, whether they don't want it as often or you feel they are "obsessed" as some letters say. I've read discouraging emails about how partners turn away from one another,
and one says they simply don't care about the decrease in activity and it's the other person's problem. YIKES. That doesn't sound like positive communication to me.

Imagine that you have a friskier libido than your partner and you generally do most of the initiating. Only, slowly but surely, you are rejected more and more. Eventually, your partner says "no" the majority of the time. Constant rejection is enough to make anyone give up, and that's exactly what many of you have done. If you go out of your way to create a loving
atmosphere and your partner routinely rejects you, it can make you not want to bother. And then you begin to turn the pain inward. Though your partner swears it has nothing to do with you, you still blame yourself. Why doesn't he/she want me? Are they not attracted to me anymore? If he/she loves me, why wouldn't they want to make love more often? You probably start feeling like you've done something wrong, that your partner might not love you anymore, or that you
aren't giving the other person what he/she needs. I've
received countless letters detailing this exact pain. And perhaps you're hurt and don't know how big of a deal to make about your feelings. Let's face it - if you make love twice a month because that's what your partner prefers, but you actually would like it twice a week, someone's needs aren't being met. Sometimes masturbation just isn't enough.

Sometimes, when we don't want to have sex, we simply just don't want to. It isn't always symbolic of underlying issues. But, if it happens more and more frequently, perhaps something else is going on in the relationship. Is there resentment toward your partner for any reason? Are you particularly stressed or tired because of a crazy work schedule? Perhaps the couple just had a child or is struggling to juggle all
the daily demands of family life. Or, there could be a sexual disorder or former abuse scars. It could be nothing, but a constant "not tonight" could be indicative of something else. Still, others insist they are just not sexual beings.
They probably aren't reading this newsletter :)

I'm not trying to scare anyone, but I've read letter after
letter detailing separations over this very issue. Before this spirals out of control, let's get the train back on course. First and foremost, remember what attracted you to one another to begin with. Affection can greatly help if frequency needs aren't being met. I'm not a therapist, but I'm basing this on life experience and reader mail: a little affection goes a long way. Make it a point to spend 15 minutes together every day to talk, hug, caress, or massage each other. Little things matter. A little swat on the tush or holding hands
can make all the difference. It sets the stage for a positive, loving atmosphere. And just maybe one of those massage sessions will turn into more...Don't be upset if touching doesn't always lead to intercourse, though. Even if you don't end up making love, the intimacy level will have increased. Any time you make a conscious effort to pay attention to or nurture something, there will more than likely be positive
results.

There needs to somehow be a happy medium. If after all the communication attempts, you are still frustrated and feel isolated and alienated, I would suggest couples counseling. Counseling isn't the answer to everything, but sometimes we need a mediator or catalyst to help us advance to the next level.

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